Do you listen to your children?

Last week my 5 year old son had a mufty day at school in order to raise products to put in the hampers to be raffled off at the Christmas plays. As he was getting ready for school he told me that he had to wear "a Christmas theme". Now as I was on the PTFA committe who had arranged the day and as we had agreed upon no theme, I said "no I don't think so". He said "yes Mummy, my teacher said we had to wear something Christmassy." I confidently told him that wasn't right and proceeded to bundle him off to school. I later pulled up at his school to drop off my daughter at preschool and saw immediately that the majority of children had on Christmas hats, or something similar. I felt terrible, and even more so on being told by a parent that the children who had dressed up were getting a star!! Poor Jamie, he had got it right and I had just not listened to him. As it happened I managed to borrow a hat from the preschool for him. Nevertheless, I continued to mull over this during the day. I realised that I need to listen to others more, as I have a tendency to have confidence in my own opinion when I have good reason to believe that I am right. However, what I fail to do is consider that something may have changed. There were 2 lessons for me in this incident - one was to consider that things can change and new information can occur, and the second was that I really should listen to my son..he may be young, but he is sensible and truthful and I should always try to pay proper attention to what he has to say.

Empowering Perspective

Very often we hold limiting perspectives which don't serve us any purpose. On the contrary they can cause stress and misery in our lives. For instance when I gave up my career to look after my children full time I found it very challenging. I was used to being constantly mentally occupied and I found the sudden cessation to that extremely difficult. More specifically when I was looking after the little ones and basically facilitating their simplistic play, I felt that I was "doing nothing and wasting time". This made me feel frustrated, and miserable and probably was picked up on at some level by my children. Over time I managed to change the perspective to one that was much more empowering. I viewed exactly the same actions of facilitating play in the following way, "I am really lucky to have the time to spend with my children when they are growing up. By being here for them I am giving them love and security and emotional and educational support. I am giving them what they need in the moment. I am spending my time in a very fulfilling way." By changing my perspective on what I was doing, I was able to apply myself to the task differently. This affected how engaged I was at the time of play. Instead of drifting away mentally, worrying about what I was not doing, I focussed on enjoying the play. This was much better for the children and much more fun and rewarding for me. Limiting perspectives are not useful. Empowering ones on the other hand are.My son will often say "I can't do X", I always encourage him to try and think of it instead from the following perspective, "I am learning to do X, it is difficult but anything worthwhile is usually challenging. I will get there if I persevere." If ever you feel that you have a negative perspective, I would encourage you to try and find a positive one to replace it. It is always possible and it will undoubtedly make you happier and more fulfilled.

Understanding someone else's perspective

Henry Ford said this about success, "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own". There may indeed be something in that. Our perspective on anything is coloured by our beliefs, values and experience. It is also very much influenced by the way in which we see something. For instance as a very simple example, if I have a large piece of paper and I hold it up so that you can see one side and someone else can see the other. I have painted the paper different colours on each side. What you see is a red piece of paper, what they see is a green piece of paper. You are both adamant that you are correct in identifying the colour of the piece of paper. In fact neither of you are entirely right, but both are in part.If you alter the position from which you view the paper you can suddenly understand why the other person had a very different perspective to your own. This very simple visual example can often be applied to everyday situations in which you find yourself with a very different point of view to somebody else. By understanding what fuels the other person's perspective you are in a much stronger position to have a more complete view of the subject in hand. You may ultimately maintain your original perspective, but more likely you will modify it in some way to encompass the new and additional information. More often than not this will lead you to a more successful outcome if you are working on an idea or a project. It will also in most cases lead to more harmony with your friends or colleagues. Exploring other perspectives therefore should be a fulfilling exercise which can make you stronger and more successful and make you more empathetic and understanding of others.

Dignity

I was very impressed this week with the quiet dignity demonstrated in the statement given by the Norgrove parents. They have suffered an indescribable loss in their daughter having been killed in a rescue attempt in Afghanistan. What has stood out for me about them is two things. Firstly they gave no initial reaction to the media when the tragedy occurred. This showed immense restraint and allowed them the time and distance for an appropriate and measured response rather than a reaction that would have been more spontaneous and perhaps not as true in representing how they would feel once they had had time to properly assimilate the devastating news. The second thing which impressed me is how when they have come to make a statement, they have exhibited true dignity. The media has made much of the failed rescue attempt and alluded to the fact that Linda Norgrove may have lived had the US forces held off and waited for more negotiations. The parents however were very clear in that nobody knows what would have happened had the rescue attempt not been made. They express gratitude and respect for the honesty of the Americans in admitting that they were probably responsible for the death. They explicitly say that they do not want to get into the blame game, as that will not bring Linda back. At some level you sense in their statements an acceptance of the fact that Linda took a substantial risk in being in Afghanistan in the first place. In their actions and their words in the middle of a time of intense grief Mr and Mrs Norgrove are an outstanding example to all of us. If we could all learn to respond slowly rather than react hastily, and if we could all learn to take responsibility and reject the blame game then the world would surely be a happier and better place. If we could also realise like them that any outcome comes about because of a myriad of factors and we cannot second guess what would have happened had any of those factors been different, we would surely be more comfortable in our decisions and not let hindsight persuade us that what might have happened would have been so much better, if only we had done things slightly differently.

Why do we judge and what does it mean?

Judgement is an interesting word, with a host of quite different definitions in the dictionary. What does it mean to you? Many people immediately fix negative connotations to the word, despite the fact that it can be applied in many a positive context. (For instance he accurately judged the distance, he has fine judgment etc). Perhaps the word is often synonymous with the negative because of the emotional reaction that so easily occurs when we feel that we are being judged critically by someone else. In fact research suggests that humans experience such a strong reaction when this happens that it bypasses the rational entirely and there is at first purely an emotional response. Namely guilt, then we shift towards repelling the judgment, and then to defensiveness. The effect of a perceived critical judgment is usually that the person stops listening and trust is broken, thereby making the judgment itself counterproductive. In many cases those who sit in judgment often don't feel particularly great themselves either. The initial feeling of power is quickly replaced by one of guilt and distaste. Why do we judge? Very often we find that we are judging people with different values to our own, those who dress, behave or speak differently to us. If we are honest, when we judge others it usually reflects more about our own values and our own feelings about ourselves than anything else. Perhaps it comes as a form of comparison, or as a byproduct of low self esteem in a certain area. If we are able to be truly happy and accepting of ourselves, a natural outcome is for us to be able to respect others who are different to ourselves. Let's think also about how it feels to be judged. If I think of examples of when I have felt most judged I can make a couple of observations. One is that it tends to bother me only if it concerns something about which I am already lacking in confidence, thereby implying that when the judgment of others is critical it hits a nerve when it may also be shared in part within my subconscious or even conscious self. The other is that I often feel judged when others have said nothing. In this case I perceive a judgment because of something that they are witnessing concerning me. It is possible that my perception is far wide of the mark, and again it is likely that the main reason that I feel critically judged is because a small part of me is experiencing that judgment myself. Judgement, when critical, forms little positive purpose (except perhaps in the courts) and as such if we can learn to release judgment about ourselves and others, we are likely to feel much happier and devote our energies to much more productive pursuits.

How to get the cooperation of others...

How do you get the cooperation of others? There are many ways to get people to do what you want. Coercion, rewards and pleas to name but a few. To get lasting cooperation, good results and maintain goodwill though, the most effective way is probably to get the respect of the person, and have them in a position where they truly want to please you. Think about it from your own perspective. If someone orders you to do something, you might do it, fearful of the consequences if you don't, but you might not necessarily do it that well. If someone who you like asks you to do something, you would probably do it a whole lot better and go the extra mile. In the workplace I often used to get frustrated when others failed to do things up to my own high standards. I would express that frustration visibly and as a result the people who were working with me would tend to go into damage limitation mode, "if I do something for Sara then she is going to pick fault with me, best to do as little as possible and to avoid her if I can". At the time I didn't understand their perspective, (My intent wasn't actually to pick fault, but purely to get things right and done well), and I viewed their drawing back as further evidence of how they just didn't have very high standards, or capabilities. At some point a shift occurred in my own thinking and behaviour. Someone made me understand that people do indeed have very differing levels of capability and standards. For someone like me with extremely high standards, it did me no good ultimately to continue to expect and demand the same of others. I needed to accept that people weren't always going to reach the standard of what I expected of myself and so it was incumbent on me to reduce my expectations in order to avoid being constantly disappointed and irritated. I also became acutely aware that whilst everybody may not be a straight "A" grade student, that doesn't make their contribution any less valuable. Far from it. Everybody is unique from a point of view of experience and everybody has their own distinct value .The trick as a manager or a colleague is to recognise that value and find a way to extract it. It was an enlightening discovery. When I started to look for the good in people as opposed to focussing on what I perceived to be where they were lacking, I had startling results. With a lot of praise and encouragement and just a little bit of direction, many people who I would previously have tended to give little responsibility to became very valuable team mates and the net result of their work was overwhelmingly positive. This in itself starts to create a positive circle. They get praise, they feel happy and they feel more inclined to try even better next time. My shift in attitude and behaviour towards others created cooperation and ultimately a strong loyalty. It also led directly to improved results for the team and business as a whole. Good results, happy people!! Give it a try!

Appreciate what you have....

How often do you spend time wishing that you had something that you don't have? Perhaps a new top, a bathroom, a car, a house, even a new or different partner. On the other hand how often do you spend time actively appreciating what you do have? Why is it that we constantly focus on what we want/need/desire rather than being grateful for that which we already have? I was pondering the other day why those in dire poverty overseas often look happier in the photographs than many a face that I see every day, despite my fellow Brits being on the whole well fed, clothed, housed and educated with a health system that may have problems, but at least exists. I suspect that because many poor young Africans don't have the means to materially improve their lifestyles, they spend less time yearning for what they might have and more time living in the moment. As a result perhaps they are more able to immediately appreciate what little they do have - thankful for some water, some food, some sun. Grateful for the love of their family and friends, enjoying it all in the moment. Whilst it is generally a positive thing to aspire for greater things in life, be it of a material, spiritual or intellectual nature, constantly wanting something that we haven't yet got is likely to leave a feeling of frustration, dissatisfaction or even bitterness. The next time you feel yourself coveting something, try to shift your focus to gratitude for the many things that you do have. Your health, your family, your education, your freedom, your bed, your clothes, your house. If you genuinely think over the many things that you do have, and consider how much joy and comfort that they do actually bring, and think also of how you would feel if you didn't have them, you should create for yourself a much more positive feeling of gratitude, happiness and warmth. Far better than the dissatisfaction of desire which in many cases is not derived from a genuine need, but just because we see other things out there and think that they might be better than what we already have. Try never to be in the position to say, "I didn't appreciate it until it was gone". Appreciate that which you already have and feel happier in the process.

Respond rather than react....especially on email!

It is all too easy to react to things as they happen, but in doing so we often display unattractive behaviour and moreover often go on to fail to get a desired outcome as a result. Last week I made an email complaint to a retailer about a piece of clothing that had been bought as a present for one of my children. The label had the age right, but the size stated on the label was more appropriate for a child 1 year younger and the actual size of the teeshirt seemed to correspond with that rather than the age stated. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but as it was a clear case of both mis-labeling and mis-selling I decided to complain. The tone of my email was non emotional and purely stated the facts. The reply came promptly at least, but it was an insult to my intelligence and integrity, it was a pure customer service email which spent more time telling me about the company's superb quality controls than it did focussing on the problem at hand. It went on to talk about how I 'felt" I had a piece of clothing that had somehow missed their standards of control and suggested I take it in to a store with "proof of purchase". (as if their label wasn't sufficient and being seasonal ware that should also have helped. )They completely failed to ask where it had been purchased or what specifically it was, so they clearly had no intention of following up. The email made me feel doubted, barely paid attention to and then quickly passed on to someone else. My instant reaction was one of hot indignation and I immediately typed out an incensed reply. I then took a deep few breaths and considered the situation - was my righteous reply going to get me anywhere? Unlikely. The recipient would in turn get annoyed and feel even less incentive to help and so I would get nowhere. Even the immediate gratification of sending a snooty email in return would soon dissipate and leave me feeling empty and slightly embarrassed. So I decided to do delete the email and do nothing. In this case I decided that no response was better than a negative reaction. It reminded me of many a time at work when emails would incense, my first reaction would be to fire something back, but my second response was more calculated and invariably I would delete the email and carefully consider the best course of action to get the desired results. I would ignore (to a degree) the feeling that I was right and they were wrong. Usually this would mean me trying to put myself into the other's place and figuring out how we could both come out of this feeling like we had won. I tended to assume that the sender's mission in life was not to annoy me and therefore the fact that they had was probably a by product of something else going on in their life. A soft and sympathetic phone call or face to face conversation with the sender often ensued. The outcome was predominantly positive. Everyone won, everyone felt happier and lighter and the result of whatever process/issue it was, was achieved more easily. How different things might have been had I reacted instantly rather than more thoughtfully responded. An escalation of a barely concealed disagreement, negative tensions, bad moods, raised heartbeats! Response rather than reaction is to be commended as a good course of action in most instances, but perhaps especially so on email.

Positive or negative is a state of mind...

Do you feel light or heavy? Are you weighed down by worries or concerns, do you have a permanent frown, lose focus on others' conversations and think about problems constantly? Or do you feel light, happy and energetic? Which would you rather feel? Both are within your powers of achievement. Even if you have a considerable problem or a terrible memory, it is within your power to decide whether or not to let it into your thoughts. Next time you are suffering from negative thoughts and you feel a heavy weight on your shoulders and a tightness in your chest, actively try to let go. Choose to leave the past or problem behind, free yourself from obsessing about something which isn't quite right. Relinquish your desire to control an outcome which you probably can't anyway, and let yourself feel lightness. You might do this in any number of ways. Try increasing your awareness of when you feel heavy and reminding yourself at those times that if you want it enough you can change your perspective and change your emotions. Try breathing slowly and deeply and give yourself the space to shift your emotions. Attempt to gain distance from the situation physically or otherwise. Ask yourself how you can bring enjoyment to the situation. Positive or negative is truly a state of mind, it is not always easy to make the move from negative to positive but it is always possible. You have the power to do it, the only real question is do you want to enough? If you want to feel lightness, feel happiness and have the energy to live a full and vibrant life, then let go of the baggage that weighs you down. How will it make you feel? I bet it is significantly better than when you feel burdened. Go on, have a go!

Hidden beliefs which hinder....

My husband told me this week that he had planned a romantic trip to Pairs for the 2 of us. He had wanted it to be a surprise but didn't think that that was achievable and so told me well in advance. He has arranged for his Mother to look after our 3 young children for 3 nights and the trip is scheduled for sometime in October. My initial reaction was curiously mixed. Overtly thankful but internally worrying already about a whole host of things - will Mother in Law cope (children are 4, 3, and 1 and she has not often looked after them for a night let alone 3), will my studies suffer, can I justify a holiday for just us? We later discussed the trip and I found myself voicing a number of alternative ideas - walking in the UK, cycling in the UK. Then I found myself bringing up a lot of objections, such as the initial concerns cited above. Husband tried to be understanding but was understandably somewhat frustrated and somewhat bewildered. After all, I had mentioned a few times recently how I would love to go to Paris, and how I would love a few days off from the kids ( I look after them full time). So why was I not jumping with joy? I have been considering this in light of some of the things that I have been studying within my coaching course. Perhaps I have some hidden beliefs, that is to say some subconscious beliefs that have been built up over time, that are preventing me from being present and being truly happy about the prospect of a few days away. So what could those beliefs be and are they indeed true? Perhaps one would be that it would be taking advantage of my Mother in law coupled with the concern that she couldn't cope. If I truly think about this I know that neither point is true. We do not take advantage and she freely offered to look after the children. Perhaps another is that I am slacking if I am not constantly looking after the children. This again should not be considered true. Everyone deserves a break from their routine now and then and it often refreshes and helps you perform better at your usual duties when you return. Perhaps another is that I don't "deserve" to have fun/reward. This is an underlying theme with me and something I need to dig deeper on to get to the bottom of, but I shouldn't let it prevent me enjoying a few days away. So a little digging and honesty reveals that the objections coming up are not really justified. If I am left in any doubt about whether to throw myself whole heartedly into the trip without feelings of guilt, I need only to consider my 3 key priorities in life. My family, my marriage, and my career/self development. Are any of them negatively or positively affected by the plan? My children won't suffer if I am away for a few days, on the contrary they will enjoy Grandparents' indulgence, and it will probably do them good to realise that Mummy and Daddy have a life outside of them! My career won't be affected as we are only talking about a few days and so I can fit my studies around it. Then there is my marriage, I haven't done much to really work on that recently so actually a few days away like this is probably much needed and important when it comes to supporting my priorities in life. Hidden beliefs can affect our decision making process and also the feelings we have when we do certain things, they can limit our success and it is worth doing a little reflection now and then to see if we have any and whether they are in fact true. If they are not, we can dispel them and in the process are more likely to enjoy or succeed in what we are setting out to do.

Do You Celebrate enough?

Is it just me or do we tend to celebrate less as we get older? I notice with my children that there is constant celebration for the things that they achieve - praise for eating properly, rewards for good behaviour particularly when it posed a challenge, praise for every new thing that they learn. It makes them happy and it encourages them to achieve more. Celebration is also a big part of their own lives - they anticipate birthdays with a fervour, looking forward to the next almost as soon as the last is past and they love big parties or things which mark the event! They celebrate the little things in life that appeal to them. Recently I let my kids have lunch in the garden, an unusual and unexpected event and they were absolutely thrilled, running round with excitement and delight. Why is it that we celebrate less as we advance in age? Did we want to be "cooler" in our teenage years, did we increasingly get embarrassed by success and then got out of the habit and finally forgot the art of celebration almost altogether? I haven't really marked my birthday of late, but this year I will, I will celebrate the day and feel glad that I was given this gift of life. In my current studies we are encouraged to incorporate celebrations for goal achievement into any action plan. These celebrations can be big or small, appropriate to the thing which we achieve - so it could be a bar of chocolate, a massage or simply ten minutes to ourselves to read. The key thing though is to actually celebrate, to plan it and to do it - to feel good about our achievements and to feel good about ourselves. At first I felt a little reluctant to do this - success in itself seemed to be enough, but actually the more I reflect the more I realise that it is a good idea. We should celebrate, all of us, little and often and sometimes big. Celebration is something which can help us feel good about ourselves, make others feel good and spur us on to do more, see more, enjoy more. That surely is something worth celebrating in itself!! Go on, find something to celebrate today.

How do you react when things go wrong?

I am one of those people who loves being in control. When I am in control I tend to manage things pretty well. In a professional environment even when things go wrong I can rise to the occasion and remain calm and collected, coming up with rational and effective solutions. However, when things start to go wrong in a personal context, I spiral quickly downwards until depending on the situation I either start shouting at everyone, storming round like a madwoman trying to fix things, or worrying myself and others around me crazy . I'll give you a couple of examples. I could be in a car on the way to the airport. We are in good time, but then take a wrong turn, get stuck in a traffic jam that isn't moving at all, and there is a distinct possibility that we might miss our flight. Our 3 kids are in the back of the car. There is absolutely nothing that I can do in this situation, and as I have no physical control at all over the outcome my instinctive reaction is to panic, and to worry. I will sit there in silence, getting more and more tense and then unable to contain it will start to verbalise the "doomsday scenario", "we're going to miss the plane", "we're never going to get there", "what are we going to do" , "we'll be stuck in a hotel" etc etc. Meanwhile husband's calm is being affected and the kids are starting to get worried, or at least sense that something is wrong. A whole load of negative energy and tension to no positive effect whatsoever. My reaction is unhelpful. It is something I am determined to change. How? I am going to try and respond to the situation next time. Changing a habit or an automatic reaction will not be easy even with the best of intentions but I am going to try. My strategy is to do a combination of the following. i)Breathing....deep, slow, deliberate breathing. Very simple but it does work. Even 4 seconds of pause can help change the reaction. ii)Asking myself some questions such as "what is the worst thing that can happen here?" And on knowing that, "well is that really so bad?" In most cases it probably isn't. Another question might be "will this still make me so upset in a week's time?" If the answer is "no", then the question becomes," then why should it bother me so much now?" The best question might be, "Will me getting upset help or hurt the situation?" Invariably the answer will be hurt. When I lose control I invariably react badly and this can be in even minor situations such as trying to get all the kids ready for school and out of the door on time. As that is a matter of routine there are additional measures I can take such as planning the morning in such a way that we shouldn't be running late by any stretch of the imagination (I tend to feel I am running late when I am still 5 minutes early!), and there shouldn't be any need for me to feel the control slipping. In the event that it does though, I will try to remind myself that generally it is still easier to get things done if one remains calm and firm rather than frantic. I know from experience that my children react well to firm and calm instructions and less so to me trying to rush them. This is the thought that I try to remind myself of if I ever feel myself slipping into the "madwoman persona", out of control and spiralling further down. My husband can't understand my reaction at all, as after all I have never been late....and he has a point, but then I would counter that by saying that it is because I do run round in a whirlwind that we have never been so. I think both of us are partially right - certainly there is no need to get so frantic, but equally being on time takes focus. The answer in this lies in the planning. It also lies in the reaction to the unforeseen, and therein lies my challenge.

Respect vs Invalidation

Respect means different things to different people. The meaning for each of us is closely connected to our own beliefs. It tends to mean being considerate to others, valuing somebody, holding someone in high regard and having admiration. However our own precise picture of respect will differ according to our beliefs and values. What is interesting is that it is vital to have self respect in order to properly respect others. What is your own picture of respect? Do you have self respect? You should. Self respect is vital for a healthy and positive life. It is easily attacked by tiredness, stress and anxiety, but it is incumbent on us all to try and regain our own respect at these times. Think about the way you behave when you have low self respect - at times when you feel tired or anxious. How can you rebuild your respect for yourself when you sink to these lows? Having a strategy will help when you get there. You are a unique and wonderful human being, remind yourself of that and make a list of the things that you can do to bring a feeling of esteem and admiration about yourself every day.It is easy to invalidate ourselves or others through actions, words or decisions.What do I mean by invalidate? With regards to yourself perhaps not following through on things that you have said, hanging round with people who don't fully support you and treat you badly, eating an unhealthy diet or not pursuing your dreams. With respect to others, how often do you turn up late, or not pay proper attention? Perhaps you demean others' achievements, gossip, lie, or shout. All of this is invalidating behaviour and when we do it to others we are invalidating ourselves. There is a really interesting book that I have been reading called, "Taming Your Gremlins" by Rick Carson. It describes a technique in a very readable way of how to become aware of "your gremlin" (an invalidating voice which is the composite of a lot of things from the past) and step away from it. Observe and detach. For instance if you are standing in front of a group of people about to do a presentation, you may have thoughts running through your head such as, "they'll think I'm boring, they'll think I don't know what I am talking about". This would be your "gremlin" talking. It has no basis of reality in the here and now, and it is serving to diminish your positive feelings about yourself. Once you become aware of this you can choose to ignore it or come up with another strategy to triumph over the negative voice. Your gremlin. They can take on many different forms but we all have them. We need to respect ourselves and stay true to that so that we can in turn show respect for others. Remember you have a choice as to what you feel. Nobody can make you feel anything without your permission. Don't let them bring you down!

Powerful Questions

Questions are fairly essential to communication and conversation. Try and imagine a conversation without a question.It would be a fairly strange conversation wouldn't it. Questions can be used in many different ways and have a variety of effects on the person that you ask them to. Think about the defensiveness that can come from, "Where have you been", the evasiveness from children to the question of "what did you do at school today?" and the sighs that come to the potentially nagging, "have you done the job that I asked you yet." If asked carefully though questions can elicit much more rewarding responses and a powerful question can even get the recipient to start thinking in a different way. Questions can help us shift our perception and raise our awareness. They can be instrumental in helping us find the solution to problems. They can be key in setting the mood. .They can help focus the mind, and help improve strategy, vision and direction. They can precipitate change. So what is a powerful question? Any question can be powerful, but really good questions will tend to be open ended. They will not lead the receiver of the question in any one direction. Great questions will also have the ability to stop people in their tracks and redirect them to go down a route that they haven't previously considered. For example, consider the perfectionist, training to be a teacher, who has an immense fear of actually standing up in front of their first class because they want to make sure they do it absolutely right. A good question to ask that person might be, "What does the perfect teacher look like to you?" The question should move the perfectionist away from being preoccupied about teaching, to considering what exactly it is they are aspiring to. It should make the situation more manageable. Other general great questions might be , "What is the worst that can happen?", "What does success look like to you", "Why do you feel like this?" "You think so and so but why do you think that" (is it really true...)
Why don't you spend a week focussing on using great questions. Use them to empower people or to improve a situation. In an argument/heated discussion use a constructive question to redirect the energy to a more positive realm. If a friend is in a difficult situation try to ask a question that will shift their perception and expand their options. Use questions on yourself. When you ask these questions, remember to leave time for the answer to allow a more thoughtful response.

Acknowledgment

How often do people acknowledge you? How often do you acknowledge other people or indeed yourself? What is acknowledgment anyway? The Oxford Dictionary defines it as a number of things, two of which I think are apt in the context of this discussion. "To recognise or admit the existence, truth or reality of" and "to express appreciation or thanks for." To acknowledge then is to notice something about others or yourself and show your appreciation for it. It can be used in the simplest of observations as well as in response to greater achievements. It is also a powerful tool to use as a recognition of effort as well as success. Acknowledgment is something which is not used as often as it might be and yet it can be an excellent way to make somebody feel good and to encourage somebody to further effort or achievement. It is true that we usually find what we look for and to this end if we look for the good in others (or ourself) we will probably find it. Further, if we actively notice and tell the other person what we have witnessed we will most probably improve their mood, their feel good factor, and possibly spur them on to further good deeds. Acknowledgment can be used in situations that we often take for granted (i.e. our partner emptying the bins). Think how much better that task would become if we were acknowledged for it. Acknowledgment should not be confused with compliments which tend to be more about the giver than the receiver. (i.e. I like your dress with the focus on 'I'. as opposed to"you wear that dress really well"). Although it can be used to notice simple things, it should not take the form of meaningless praise such as "good job" or the like. To acknowledge others well we should first be comfortable acknowledging ourselves, and then we need to be strong enough to shift our attention outside of ourself. Why don't you spend the next week actively trying to acknowledge others. The positive energy you create by doing this should bring sunshine to your own life. Beware though that some people may feel uncomfortable with being noticed, or having things highlighted to them, particularly if it is done in front of others. Outward uncomfortableness may be a sign of not being used to being acknowledged.In most cases though it is likely to make people feel good inside and to make many positively glow. During the week, try to spend time acknowledging yourself too. Focus on the things that you have done, or are trying to do. Remember too that if you want to encourage people to do better, acknowledging what they are doing right rather than focussing on anything that they may be doing wrong will often produce significant results. Acknowledgment is a powerful way to encourage, motivate, enthuse, reinvigorate and focus on the good. It is worth a try!

So what is a coach anyway?

What is a coach? What do you think it is? The International Coach Federation " defines coaching as partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential." (for more on ICF see http://www.coachfederation.org/). What does that actually mean? Coaching is a relatively new profession. It is not well regulated which is why the ICF set itself up back in 1995 to create a standard for coaching. Coaching derives from and draws on a whole host of other professions and fields including sports coach, counseling, consulting, therapy, mentoring, cognitive behavioural therapy, and neuro linguistic programming. Although it uses parts of all of the above in greater or lesser degrees depending on the coaching niche and on the coach themselves, it is also distinct from each of them. Whereas counseling and therapy focus predominantly on the past and particularly on solving problems for people who may be in real need of help, coaching looks mainly to the future and is practised on normal, healthy people. Consulting is often employed by corporates to help solve problems in the workplace, coaching can do the same thing but the way the problem is solved is fundamentally different. Consulting provides the answer, coaching helps the client find the answer themselves. In coaching, the client is the expert in the issue at hand, not the coach. Mentoring is offered by more experienced people to those of lesser experience, the partnership is unequal, and advice is given usually from the perspective of the giver. The coach/client relationship is one of equals and the advice given if requested is purely based on the client's perspective. A coach's aim is to help a client reach their potential in a personal or professional capacity. How does a coach do that? The coach will listen intently to what the client says (and doesn't say), will ask powerful questions based on what has been said, and heard, and will lead the client into a deeper think about certain situations. Often the coach will help to shift the perspective of the client so that they can view situations in different ways. Advice can be given, experiences shared if it is likely to be helpful, but each session is wholly focused on the client. Coaches may dig in to people's values and underlying beliefs in order to understand the client and lead them in the best direction. Coaches will help the clients create goals, and provide a framework for measuring, and celebrating those goals. The methods are relatively simple, and like all things simple can be extremely effective. The bottom line is that through conversation, a coach will help you work on any issue or area within your life that is either troubling you or is not wholly satisfying to you and assist you to come up with an actionable solution. Coaching is for normal people, it is for people in all walks of life, at any level of academic achievement. Even the most successful people can benefit. Done well coaching is extremely empowering.

Values, what are yours and why does it matter?

What are your values and why does it matter? This has been a very thought provoking class for me. The basic premise of the class is that you need to be aware of your values and live your life according to them in order to live the happiest, most intellectually/emotionally comfortable life. If you become misaligned with your values then you risk feeling unhappy with the direction of your life. This all sounds a little bit touchy feely doesn't it, the moment where lots of high achievers likely switch off. However I think there is actually some merit in it and if you indulge me for a few minutes and read the rest of this post, then you could also come to the same view and more importantly it could help you make decisions to improve your current quality of life.
So what is a value? According to the Oxford Concise English dictionary there were 2 definitions which seemed most applicable in this instance. i) moral principles or accepted standards and ii)Desirability of a thing. My immediate association when I heard the word values in the coaching context was more in line with the first meaning, but I think that coaches also uses the word values in terms of the second. So a value is probably a core principle, something important to us, an ideal or belief that helps shape our behaviour. Some of us may instantly know what our core values are, but others may find it more difficult to identify them. A list of 5-8 is probably appropriate when thinking of what is most important to you. If you can create a list of these values, prioritise them and then define each one as it applies to you, you can subsequently consider whether you are living your life according to them. If you are having trouble deciding what yours are, or how to prioritise them, you may find it useful to either search for a comprehensive list online, or take a value test at the following site ; www.coachlee.com. After you have done this you may then like to consider what your life's purpose is. Again that sounds like another very grand question, which you may balk at answering. If you do consider the question though it might help you readjust your direction, and the way that you are spending your time. You can then look at your life's purpose, create 5 or so goals around that, and then construct some action steps to get there. Go on, have a go, the result might fill you with renewed energy, and excitement to start achieving the things that you want and that are in tune with your core values. It may also help to explain why you have been feeling uneasy in an area of your life, for example your sales job may not quite be in tune with your value of honesty and so you don't fully enjoy your job. Clarifying your values and life purpose may also assist you in making key decisions in your life.

To help you out, I outline below an example of what this exercise may look like:

An example of core values might be : Family, Integrity ,Motivation, Achievement, Passion, Financial Independence.
An example of life's purpose might be :Living life meaningfully
An example of goal's to reach that purpose might be; i)Caring for and Spending time with family,(ii)Creating a successful career, iii)Strong relationship with a spouse, iv)Active leisure time, v)Relaxation time.
Behavioural changes necessary to achieve the purpose: Laugh more, Shout less, Reduce alcohol, Exercise more.
Action steps - would need to be specific and quantifiable. I'll leave that to your imagination.

Have a go!!

Power Listening - do you?

How many of us truly listen? Do you? A good coach listens 80% and talks 20%....that strikes me as a bit of a challenge. I want to help people. Historically I have approached that by listening carefully and then giving copious and well thought out advice. A coach though must listen, suppress judgment, resist the urge to butt in and then when we do respond, we need to be sparing with advice. Rather we need to respond deeply to what the client has been saying and try to redirect them or help them progress on the way to finding the solution to their own issues. This is a challenge, and an interesting one. Some of the techniques I have been learning about in the "power listening" modules are really thought provoking. Very simple but very effective. I am even starting to apply them to every day conversations. Very powerful. So what am I talking about and can it help you? Help you in the way that you listen to others and also in the way that you listen to yourself. Firstly, try allowing a pause after the person who is talking to you has finished speaking. If you can do this, then very often they will start to speak again, giving you more information and improving their communication. This is particularly useful with people who are trying to explain something to you. Don't jump in with your opinion, wait and see if they give you more. Secondly, think about some often used words. How often do you say or do you hear the words "trying", "should". What do they actually mean? Are you really trying? Are you committed to change, or are you just thinking that you are? An example might be, "I am trying to lose weight". Often we say that we are trying without putting into place the commitment and action to achieve the desired result. Sometimes we don't even realise this, and so although we think we are trying, we are not really, and thus we can get disappointed or frustrated by lack of progress. If we shift our mindset to commitment rather than just trying then we should achieve more easily. Another often uttered or heard word is "should". For example, "I should go to the gym". Should you? Why? Says who? If you do want to then that is fine, but if you don't then question why you think that you should. Is it because of what others say? If we can determine what we really want to do and why, it will be easier to either abandon the plan without guilt and refocus our energy on something else or to decide more positively on a course of action, because "should" is really "want".

The first week of lessons

I gave up my 13 years career in finance 2 years ago. I decided the time was right to relocate to England (after 9 years in Tokyo) and to look after my 2 young children full time. I had previously fitted them around my very enjoyable but very demanding job and although that seemed ok, it really wasn't enough to see them less than an hour a day. My 3rd child was born 7 months later and now that he is 19 months and I have looked after the kids full time for 2 years, I am very ready to rebalance things a little in favour of me.

So I thought long and hard about how to do something that would be enjoyable, challenging and that would also allow me to continue to look after the children around their preschool and schooling. I contemplated writing a novel for a long time, but when it came down to it, it seemed too

much of a solitary pursuit, and too long term in nature. I finally decided on coaching. It seemed to be a flexible career choice and one that was of great interest to me.

My former career was in equity sales. I managed Japanese equity sales for a large US investment bank. I was located in Tokyo. I enjoyed a lot about the job, but some of the things that I found most challenging and most rewarding were managing and mentoring people well. Helping people whatever their ability to succeed. Some of the skill sets learnt here I thought might fit into coaching. I also found during my career as a whole that exceptional managers were not the norm. Thus there is a need for executive coaching.

So here I am. Recently enrolled in a coaching school (ICA) and really enjoying lessons. It is a course requirement to do a blog throughout my time at the school and I plan to write on a weekly basis.

First impressions? i)Very comprehensive course material, ii)Thought provoking calls which very cleverly add to the course content, iii)I have a lot to learn. iv)I am even more excited about becoming a coach, and itching to put to practise what I am learning, v)I realise that a lot of the skills that I have that I thought would be good in coaching will, but many will also need to be adapted, and many more new ones learned.

Biggest takeaway in the first week? Coaches should listen 80% of time and talk just 20%. Their principal role is to help the client find their own answers by listening and questioning powerfully. The coach is not there to provide the answers, and often should not be there to provide opinion.