Respect vs Invalidation

Respect means different things to different people. The meaning for each of us is closely connected to our own beliefs. It tends to mean being considerate to others, valuing somebody, holding someone in high regard and having admiration. However our own precise picture of respect will differ according to our beliefs and values. What is interesting is that it is vital to have self respect in order to properly respect others. What is your own picture of respect? Do you have self respect? You should. Self respect is vital for a healthy and positive life. It is easily attacked by tiredness, stress and anxiety, but it is incumbent on us all to try and regain our own respect at these times. Think about the way you behave when you have low self respect - at times when you feel tired or anxious. How can you rebuild your respect for yourself when you sink to these lows? Having a strategy will help when you get there. You are a unique and wonderful human being, remind yourself of that and make a list of the things that you can do to bring a feeling of esteem and admiration about yourself every day.It is easy to invalidate ourselves or others through actions, words or decisions.What do I mean by invalidate? With regards to yourself perhaps not following through on things that you have said, hanging round with people who don't fully support you and treat you badly, eating an unhealthy diet or not pursuing your dreams. With respect to others, how often do you turn up late, or not pay proper attention? Perhaps you demean others' achievements, gossip, lie, or shout. All of this is invalidating behaviour and when we do it to others we are invalidating ourselves. There is a really interesting book that I have been reading called, "Taming Your Gremlins" by Rick Carson. It describes a technique in a very readable way of how to become aware of "your gremlin" (an invalidating voice which is the composite of a lot of things from the past) and step away from it. Observe and detach. For instance if you are standing in front of a group of people about to do a presentation, you may have thoughts running through your head such as, "they'll think I'm boring, they'll think I don't know what I am talking about". This would be your "gremlin" talking. It has no basis of reality in the here and now, and it is serving to diminish your positive feelings about yourself. Once you become aware of this you can choose to ignore it or come up with another strategy to triumph over the negative voice. Your gremlin. They can take on many different forms but we all have them. We need to respect ourselves and stay true to that so that we can in turn show respect for others. Remember you have a choice as to what you feel. Nobody can make you feel anything without your permission. Don't let them bring you down!

Powerful Questions

Questions are fairly essential to communication and conversation. Try and imagine a conversation without a question.It would be a fairly strange conversation wouldn't it. Questions can be used in many different ways and have a variety of effects on the person that you ask them to. Think about the defensiveness that can come from, "Where have you been", the evasiveness from children to the question of "what did you do at school today?" and the sighs that come to the potentially nagging, "have you done the job that I asked you yet." If asked carefully though questions can elicit much more rewarding responses and a powerful question can even get the recipient to start thinking in a different way. Questions can help us shift our perception and raise our awareness. They can be instrumental in helping us find the solution to problems. They can be key in setting the mood. .They can help focus the mind, and help improve strategy, vision and direction. They can precipitate change. So what is a powerful question? Any question can be powerful, but really good questions will tend to be open ended. They will not lead the receiver of the question in any one direction. Great questions will also have the ability to stop people in their tracks and redirect them to go down a route that they haven't previously considered. For example, consider the perfectionist, training to be a teacher, who has an immense fear of actually standing up in front of their first class because they want to make sure they do it absolutely right. A good question to ask that person might be, "What does the perfect teacher look like to you?" The question should move the perfectionist away from being preoccupied about teaching, to considering what exactly it is they are aspiring to. It should make the situation more manageable. Other general great questions might be , "What is the worst that can happen?", "What does success look like to you", "Why do you feel like this?" "You think so and so but why do you think that" (is it really true...)
Why don't you spend a week focussing on using great questions. Use them to empower people or to improve a situation. In an argument/heated discussion use a constructive question to redirect the energy to a more positive realm. If a friend is in a difficult situation try to ask a question that will shift their perception and expand their options. Use questions on yourself. When you ask these questions, remember to leave time for the answer to allow a more thoughtful response.

Acknowledgment

How often do people acknowledge you? How often do you acknowledge other people or indeed yourself? What is acknowledgment anyway? The Oxford Dictionary defines it as a number of things, two of which I think are apt in the context of this discussion. "To recognise or admit the existence, truth or reality of" and "to express appreciation or thanks for." To acknowledge then is to notice something about others or yourself and show your appreciation for it. It can be used in the simplest of observations as well as in response to greater achievements. It is also a powerful tool to use as a recognition of effort as well as success. Acknowledgment is something which is not used as often as it might be and yet it can be an excellent way to make somebody feel good and to encourage somebody to further effort or achievement. It is true that we usually find what we look for and to this end if we look for the good in others (or ourself) we will probably find it. Further, if we actively notice and tell the other person what we have witnessed we will most probably improve their mood, their feel good factor, and possibly spur them on to further good deeds. Acknowledgment can be used in situations that we often take for granted (i.e. our partner emptying the bins). Think how much better that task would become if we were acknowledged for it. Acknowledgment should not be confused with compliments which tend to be more about the giver than the receiver. (i.e. I like your dress with the focus on 'I'. as opposed to"you wear that dress really well"). Although it can be used to notice simple things, it should not take the form of meaningless praise such as "good job" or the like. To acknowledge others well we should first be comfortable acknowledging ourselves, and then we need to be strong enough to shift our attention outside of ourself. Why don't you spend the next week actively trying to acknowledge others. The positive energy you create by doing this should bring sunshine to your own life. Beware though that some people may feel uncomfortable with being noticed, or having things highlighted to them, particularly if it is done in front of others. Outward uncomfortableness may be a sign of not being used to being acknowledged.In most cases though it is likely to make people feel good inside and to make many positively glow. During the week, try to spend time acknowledging yourself too. Focus on the things that you have done, or are trying to do. Remember too that if you want to encourage people to do better, acknowledging what they are doing right rather than focussing on anything that they may be doing wrong will often produce significant results. Acknowledgment is a powerful way to encourage, motivate, enthuse, reinvigorate and focus on the good. It is worth a try!