Why do we judge and what does it mean?

Judgement is an interesting word, with a host of quite different definitions in the dictionary. What does it mean to you? Many people immediately fix negative connotations to the word, despite the fact that it can be applied in many a positive context. (For instance he accurately judged the distance, he has fine judgment etc). Perhaps the word is often synonymous with the negative because of the emotional reaction that so easily occurs when we feel that we are being judged critically by someone else. In fact research suggests that humans experience such a strong reaction when this happens that it bypasses the rational entirely and there is at first purely an emotional response. Namely guilt, then we shift towards repelling the judgment, and then to defensiveness. The effect of a perceived critical judgment is usually that the person stops listening and trust is broken, thereby making the judgment itself counterproductive. In many cases those who sit in judgment often don't feel particularly great themselves either. The initial feeling of power is quickly replaced by one of guilt and distaste. Why do we judge? Very often we find that we are judging people with different values to our own, those who dress, behave or speak differently to us. If we are honest, when we judge others it usually reflects more about our own values and our own feelings about ourselves than anything else. Perhaps it comes as a form of comparison, or as a byproduct of low self esteem in a certain area. If we are able to be truly happy and accepting of ourselves, a natural outcome is for us to be able to respect others who are different to ourselves. Let's think also about how it feels to be judged. If I think of examples of when I have felt most judged I can make a couple of observations. One is that it tends to bother me only if it concerns something about which I am already lacking in confidence, thereby implying that when the judgment of others is critical it hits a nerve when it may also be shared in part within my subconscious or even conscious self. The other is that I often feel judged when others have said nothing. In this case I perceive a judgment because of something that they are witnessing concerning me. It is possible that my perception is far wide of the mark, and again it is likely that the main reason that I feel critically judged is because a small part of me is experiencing that judgment myself. Judgement, when critical, forms little positive purpose (except perhaps in the courts) and as such if we can learn to release judgment about ourselves and others, we are likely to feel much happier and devote our energies to much more productive pursuits.

How to get the cooperation of others...

How do you get the cooperation of others? There are many ways to get people to do what you want. Coercion, rewards and pleas to name but a few. To get lasting cooperation, good results and maintain goodwill though, the most effective way is probably to get the respect of the person, and have them in a position where they truly want to please you. Think about it from your own perspective. If someone orders you to do something, you might do it, fearful of the consequences if you don't, but you might not necessarily do it that well. If someone who you like asks you to do something, you would probably do it a whole lot better and go the extra mile. In the workplace I often used to get frustrated when others failed to do things up to my own high standards. I would express that frustration visibly and as a result the people who were working with me would tend to go into damage limitation mode, "if I do something for Sara then she is going to pick fault with me, best to do as little as possible and to avoid her if I can". At the time I didn't understand their perspective, (My intent wasn't actually to pick fault, but purely to get things right and done well), and I viewed their drawing back as further evidence of how they just didn't have very high standards, or capabilities. At some point a shift occurred in my own thinking and behaviour. Someone made me understand that people do indeed have very differing levels of capability and standards. For someone like me with extremely high standards, it did me no good ultimately to continue to expect and demand the same of others. I needed to accept that people weren't always going to reach the standard of what I expected of myself and so it was incumbent on me to reduce my expectations in order to avoid being constantly disappointed and irritated. I also became acutely aware that whilst everybody may not be a straight "A" grade student, that doesn't make their contribution any less valuable. Far from it. Everybody is unique from a point of view of experience and everybody has their own distinct value .The trick as a manager or a colleague is to recognise that value and find a way to extract it. It was an enlightening discovery. When I started to look for the good in people as opposed to focussing on what I perceived to be where they were lacking, I had startling results. With a lot of praise and encouragement and just a little bit of direction, many people who I would previously have tended to give little responsibility to became very valuable team mates and the net result of their work was overwhelmingly positive. This in itself starts to create a positive circle. They get praise, they feel happy and they feel more inclined to try even better next time. My shift in attitude and behaviour towards others created cooperation and ultimately a strong loyalty. It also led directly to improved results for the team and business as a whole. Good results, happy people!! Give it a try!

Appreciate what you have....

How often do you spend time wishing that you had something that you don't have? Perhaps a new top, a bathroom, a car, a house, even a new or different partner. On the other hand how often do you spend time actively appreciating what you do have? Why is it that we constantly focus on what we want/need/desire rather than being grateful for that which we already have? I was pondering the other day why those in dire poverty overseas often look happier in the photographs than many a face that I see every day, despite my fellow Brits being on the whole well fed, clothed, housed and educated with a health system that may have problems, but at least exists. I suspect that because many poor young Africans don't have the means to materially improve their lifestyles, they spend less time yearning for what they might have and more time living in the moment. As a result perhaps they are more able to immediately appreciate what little they do have - thankful for some water, some food, some sun. Grateful for the love of their family and friends, enjoying it all in the moment. Whilst it is generally a positive thing to aspire for greater things in life, be it of a material, spiritual or intellectual nature, constantly wanting something that we haven't yet got is likely to leave a feeling of frustration, dissatisfaction or even bitterness. The next time you feel yourself coveting something, try to shift your focus to gratitude for the many things that you do have. Your health, your family, your education, your freedom, your bed, your clothes, your house. If you genuinely think over the many things that you do have, and consider how much joy and comfort that they do actually bring, and think also of how you would feel if you didn't have them, you should create for yourself a much more positive feeling of gratitude, happiness and warmth. Far better than the dissatisfaction of desire which in many cases is not derived from a genuine need, but just because we see other things out there and think that they might be better than what we already have. Try never to be in the position to say, "I didn't appreciate it until it was gone". Appreciate that which you already have and feel happier in the process.