Respond rather than react....especially on email!

It is all too easy to react to things as they happen, but in doing so we often display unattractive behaviour and moreover often go on to fail to get a desired outcome as a result. Last week I made an email complaint to a retailer about a piece of clothing that had been bought as a present for one of my children. The label had the age right, but the size stated on the label was more appropriate for a child 1 year younger and the actual size of the teeshirt seemed to correspond with that rather than the age stated. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but as it was a clear case of both mis-labeling and mis-selling I decided to complain. The tone of my email was non emotional and purely stated the facts. The reply came promptly at least, but it was an insult to my intelligence and integrity, it was a pure customer service email which spent more time telling me about the company's superb quality controls than it did focussing on the problem at hand. It went on to talk about how I 'felt" I had a piece of clothing that had somehow missed their standards of control and suggested I take it in to a store with "proof of purchase". (as if their label wasn't sufficient and being seasonal ware that should also have helped. )They completely failed to ask where it had been purchased or what specifically it was, so they clearly had no intention of following up. The email made me feel doubted, barely paid attention to and then quickly passed on to someone else. My instant reaction was one of hot indignation and I immediately typed out an incensed reply. I then took a deep few breaths and considered the situation - was my righteous reply going to get me anywhere? Unlikely. The recipient would in turn get annoyed and feel even less incentive to help and so I would get nowhere. Even the immediate gratification of sending a snooty email in return would soon dissipate and leave me feeling empty and slightly embarrassed. So I decided to do delete the email and do nothing. In this case I decided that no response was better than a negative reaction. It reminded me of many a time at work when emails would incense, my first reaction would be to fire something back, but my second response was more calculated and invariably I would delete the email and carefully consider the best course of action to get the desired results. I would ignore (to a degree) the feeling that I was right and they were wrong. Usually this would mean me trying to put myself into the other's place and figuring out how we could both come out of this feeling like we had won. I tended to assume that the sender's mission in life was not to annoy me and therefore the fact that they had was probably a by product of something else going on in their life. A soft and sympathetic phone call or face to face conversation with the sender often ensued. The outcome was predominantly positive. Everyone won, everyone felt happier and lighter and the result of whatever process/issue it was, was achieved more easily. How different things might have been had I reacted instantly rather than more thoughtfully responded. An escalation of a barely concealed disagreement, negative tensions, bad moods, raised heartbeats! Response rather than reaction is to be commended as a good course of action in most instances, but perhaps especially so on email.

Positive or negative is a state of mind...

Do you feel light or heavy? Are you weighed down by worries or concerns, do you have a permanent frown, lose focus on others' conversations and think about problems constantly? Or do you feel light, happy and energetic? Which would you rather feel? Both are within your powers of achievement. Even if you have a considerable problem or a terrible memory, it is within your power to decide whether or not to let it into your thoughts. Next time you are suffering from negative thoughts and you feel a heavy weight on your shoulders and a tightness in your chest, actively try to let go. Choose to leave the past or problem behind, free yourself from obsessing about something which isn't quite right. Relinquish your desire to control an outcome which you probably can't anyway, and let yourself feel lightness. You might do this in any number of ways. Try increasing your awareness of when you feel heavy and reminding yourself at those times that if you want it enough you can change your perspective and change your emotions. Try breathing slowly and deeply and give yourself the space to shift your emotions. Attempt to gain distance from the situation physically or otherwise. Ask yourself how you can bring enjoyment to the situation. Positive or negative is truly a state of mind, it is not always easy to make the move from negative to positive but it is always possible. You have the power to do it, the only real question is do you want to enough? If you want to feel lightness, feel happiness and have the energy to live a full and vibrant life, then let go of the baggage that weighs you down. How will it make you feel? I bet it is significantly better than when you feel burdened. Go on, have a go!

Hidden beliefs which hinder....

My husband told me this week that he had planned a romantic trip to Pairs for the 2 of us. He had wanted it to be a surprise but didn't think that that was achievable and so told me well in advance. He has arranged for his Mother to look after our 3 young children for 3 nights and the trip is scheduled for sometime in October. My initial reaction was curiously mixed. Overtly thankful but internally worrying already about a whole host of things - will Mother in Law cope (children are 4, 3, and 1 and she has not often looked after them for a night let alone 3), will my studies suffer, can I justify a holiday for just us? We later discussed the trip and I found myself voicing a number of alternative ideas - walking in the UK, cycling in the UK. Then I found myself bringing up a lot of objections, such as the initial concerns cited above. Husband tried to be understanding but was understandably somewhat frustrated and somewhat bewildered. After all, I had mentioned a few times recently how I would love to go to Paris, and how I would love a few days off from the kids ( I look after them full time). So why was I not jumping with joy? I have been considering this in light of some of the things that I have been studying within my coaching course. Perhaps I have some hidden beliefs, that is to say some subconscious beliefs that have been built up over time, that are preventing me from being present and being truly happy about the prospect of a few days away. So what could those beliefs be and are they indeed true? Perhaps one would be that it would be taking advantage of my Mother in law coupled with the concern that she couldn't cope. If I truly think about this I know that neither point is true. We do not take advantage and she freely offered to look after the children. Perhaps another is that I am slacking if I am not constantly looking after the children. This again should not be considered true. Everyone deserves a break from their routine now and then and it often refreshes and helps you perform better at your usual duties when you return. Perhaps another is that I don't "deserve" to have fun/reward. This is an underlying theme with me and something I need to dig deeper on to get to the bottom of, but I shouldn't let it prevent me enjoying a few days away. So a little digging and honesty reveals that the objections coming up are not really justified. If I am left in any doubt about whether to throw myself whole heartedly into the trip without feelings of guilt, I need only to consider my 3 key priorities in life. My family, my marriage, and my career/self development. Are any of them negatively or positively affected by the plan? My children won't suffer if I am away for a few days, on the contrary they will enjoy Grandparents' indulgence, and it will probably do them good to realise that Mummy and Daddy have a life outside of them! My career won't be affected as we are only talking about a few days and so I can fit my studies around it. Then there is my marriage, I haven't done much to really work on that recently so actually a few days away like this is probably much needed and important when it comes to supporting my priorities in life. Hidden beliefs can affect our decision making process and also the feelings we have when we do certain things, they can limit our success and it is worth doing a little reflection now and then to see if we have any and whether they are in fact true. If they are not, we can dispel them and in the process are more likely to enjoy or succeed in what we are setting out to do.